(hashtag) homesick

salam.

so yday after work, went straight to mil's (everyday routine) konon after dinner with mil nak mandi la. masuk bilik shima nak tukar baju and all pastu baring2 la jap. agaknya penat sangat sampai tak sedar tertidur dalam bilik tu. pintu pulak dikunci hai la zailin (.,.')

i had the most wonderful dream last nite; balik gombak and parents were happy to see me, ma masak my fav dish, talked, laughing alahai mimpi kenapa jahat sangat ni? bila sedar terduduk jap, guess i miss my family so much sampai termimpi :'( nak balik tak boleh, cannot bring myself to it. ye la, orang lain punya hal, punya masalah sampai aku nak balik rumah mak sendiri pun malu.

anyway semalam terjaga, bukak pintu and was suprised lampu dah tutup. oh rupanya dah 1.55am. everyone asleep, so i laid next to Dahlia and sambung tidur.

apparently, sil & husband came by the house. everyone bang on the door, tapi si zailin tidur mati.

i miss my family :'(

kbai, nak sambung nangis.

oh my malay!

salam.

so. Im the kind of mother yang will annoy her kids every single minutes of their lives. like for instant, i constantly reminding Jasmin that i endured 43 hours to get her out to this world. yup, she's gonna be three in less than a month and already i am giving her a hard time :) sorry, baby girl

i love my girls soooo much that i do not wish to have a heart attack when i browse thru my fb and see Jasmin or Dahlia like this. im sorry, but this is just to much of a heartache. 

so always remember girls, i annoy you because i love you, as simple as that.

kbai.

sorry seems to be the hardest word

sorry, i am done keeping my mouth shut.

sorry, i am done trying to please everyone.

sorry, i am done being that girl yang need everyone's approval.

sorry, i am done feeling sorry for myself.

sorry, i am done crying myself to sleep.

sorry, i am done hiding things from my family.

sorry, i am done being stupid.

sorry, i am done with love.

sorry, i am done.

i am done.

done.

#liladahlia

salam.

so Dahlia has turned 1 last month. promised myself i would celebrate her birthday in the same manner as her sister's 1yo birthday celebration (read: a party) tapi tapi tapi.... cerita sedih is coming so brace yourself minggu tu kebetulan ada wedding kat johor so inlaws semua not available that weekend.

so decided to postponed her birthday party. and today is already 12 March. barvo parents! tak tau kenapa after postponing the party takde follow up. at least. buat la makan2 aje. apa la kau ni zailin. kesian Dahlia. nanti besar mesti dia ungkit kenapa kakak ada party tapi dia takde. haha trust me, dia akan ungkit. cos me and the rest of the siblings are always questioning ma and bah kenapa kakak ada party tapi anak2 after her takde. we crazy liddat, thats why :)

anyway, maybe we will still do tapi celebrate sekali ngan kakak Jasmin kot. which reminds me, i havent bought anything for MIL's birthday. oo utk MIL sibuk nak belikan hadiah, mak sendiri tak pernah belikan pape, u might say? well, in my defense, what can you buy for someone who have everything? kan? kan?

and oh, on a totally unrelated matter, i so so want to buy that #ariannarose inner (motif kau hashtag kat sini??) so Mr K's relative sorang ni bagi la link. oh, rupanya sugarscarf ni official sponsor tudung utk that tele series. tapi habaq mai, homaiged mahalnya gedabak! seketul is $55.40. tapi dah diskayn dah sekarang, $49.50 haha tambah postage $7. ok la nampaknya ke shah alam la kita dari bayar postage hehe

kbai.

Confessions Part I

salam.


26 Dec 2013 : did my 1st test. yeap, 2nd line visible though vague. congrats zailin :)
2 Jan 2014 : did my 2nd test, just to confirm. yeap, not so vague as the 1st time. congrats zailin. 

once a year? so mama :) *WEML*

3 Feb 2014 : celebrated bday mini me 2.0. wah Dedek dah besar la :) went out to buy stuffs to make cake. came back and went to toliet. i had stains. 
4 Feb 2014 : went to work and went to klinik with Kak Yus to check. Doc scan and said my uterus is empty *whaatt?? did urine test and yes, im pregnant. she said the dreaded word, maybe you mengandung luar rahim *whaatt?? gave RL and asked me to go and get it check by today.
after work came back, around 8-ish left mak's and went to KKSB dulu. doc cakap something abortion and kalau xnak cuci, tunggu 2 minggu and janin akan gugur sendiri. she didn't even touch me nor look at me.*whaatt?? i know so Mr K dropped me kat Dewan Bersalin HSB andd left to send the girls kat rumah mak. so i checked in, isi borang after borang and waited. around 10 doc called my name and she did the scan. not before she asked me umur Dahlia and i told her she just turned 1 yesterday and Doc gave me her version of death stare. so i smiloed and said, 'i know i know' to which she replied, 'haa so you know why i gave you that look' so tgh scan doc cakap tu ada kantung, ada janin dalam tu. so i was a bit relieved and relax after that knowing that some doc in poliklinik gomez is getting a kick where it hurts most! anyway, doc nak scan lagi and she wants me to empty my pundi kencing. i did and came back and we did another scan. this time bukan kat perut tp sesuatu di masukkan ke bawah *whaatt? gross kan. dont worry Doc tu letak condom dulu kat than scan thingy before she inserted it in *cricket sound she looked kat scan tu lama sangat. i was beginning to feel worry when she turned the monitor towards me and said, 'ok kantung ada, janin pun ada dalam kantung but there's no heartbeat' *glass shattering

Ya Allah, gugur jantung when Doc said that. she told me to come back in two weeks time and they will advise me then. dont ask me if i'm sad or frustated cos i pun xtau nak rasa apa. maybe cos baby still small so xterasa sangat kot. but but but nonetheless still sedih :(

i dont know what went wrong. i dont want to know. i dont know what to think right now.

but my mom is very supportive, so is my eldest sister who's fighting her won battle right now. and my support group (you girls la sapa lagi! :)) are just amazing and very supportive. that's about it la.

what's your excuse?

salam.

some of you might think i created this blog as a place to vent out my anger, frustration and a place for me to complain, complain and more complain. well yes, that was how i first started this blog. i had so much anger in me ( i still do) i need a place to just go, be myself and talk crap for hours and not caring a thing of what people said.

well, now that i am older ehem and wiser double ehem, i decided this blog to be a place to reminds me of wonderful things in life. don't get me wrong, i will still vent out my frustrations here, but i will try to reduce it as much ok, i promise you this.

anyway, i have been following Maria Kang for a while on FB, tho her fitness is somehow an inspiration to me, but i also came across this photo on FB:

that's Maria Kang on the left. yes, its amazing to have three kids and that hot bods to brag around. but somehow, it was probably her good genes that was helping keep her in shape. don't get me wrong, it think she kicks ass! but at the same time, most of us are the one on the right. 

over time, we women tends to let go of ourselves. to us, ala apa nak kisah, im married with kids. im save for life. my husband will not cheat on me. i took care of his food, his clothes, managed the kids by my own, i even managed to double his income even tho i'm a SAHM. that's short for stay at home mom, fyi.

anyway, for my case, as long as my husband is ok with my appearances, i shall remain me. we do talk a lot about this, this may surprise some of you. we talk about this as much as we fight :)

but but, it is important to stay in shape and be healthy. as long as you think a bit chubby is healthy then you are doing just fine. always love your body and maintain a good health. cos you want to be old, watch your kids leaving the nest, leave a mark on this world, settle down and reproduce. i know i want this.

but for now, mini me & 2.0 can just stop growing so fast!! i want my babies to stay just the way they are right now T_T ok dah habis meroyan

kbai.

hi-5

salam.

so Dahlia's birthday is coming up, its on the 3 of february 2014 where she will turn the big 1 *insert bunyi mercun and marching song and yes, you are welcome *sinis

anyway, since her birthday falls on Monday, decided to celebrate a day early which is 2feb Sunday. i just found out last week that the whole (maybe half, i dont know) sharifahs and syeds are travelling south this CNY

T_T why oh why? hehe sorry emo sikit, jangan marah naa

anyway, theres a wedding there and everyone i know is going so the birthday party has taken a turn for the worst cos i no longer feels the need to celebrate big. by big i mean with everyone we know. but since i gave Jasmin (well, we gave) her 1st bday party, it is only fair for Dahlia to have the same celebration...no?

anyway, the next nearest date is 8th feb which i might be working, thanks boss *insert thumbs up

we'll see how, but definitely not everyone is invited. only family and close friends. maybe only family. maybe with close friends. maybe no party. oh, i dont know.