D.E.M.O.T.I.V.A.T.E.D

salam

i am having a terrible backpain right now. it's been going on since last week. i was at surau somewhere last week, lepas sembahyang zohor terus pump susu utk Dahlia and as i was sitting i let out a heavy sigh and told Kak Yus & Has my back was killing me and they ask me the 3 most terrifying words, 'ARE YOU PREGNANT?' *pengsan

before i found out i was pregnant with Jasmin, i was having some disargument with a colleague i was working with at that time and i happened to let out my feeling to Kak Yus and she ask me the same question back then, went home and did the test and BAM! +ve bebeh!! so when she asked me the same thing ofkos la mak jemah berasa sangat nervous.

so esoknya i olls pun bought the test kit and jeng jeng jeng it was -ve. of course there was a sense of relieved as i don't think i am quite ready for another baby so soon. but today, as i am sitting at my workdesk and typing this i still have that backpain. talked to Tini just now, she was sharing her experience with one of her kids. sometimes, bila you check dia akan keluar -ve. maybe sebab time tu masih baru so kit tak dapat detect whether you are pregnant or not. but the thing is after my confinement, i had period once which was in april and i did not have any since. so kalau kira pakai jari or kalkulator, its been 3 months since i last had my period. now if you ask me, i wasn't really paying attention to that details as i tot any mom who breastfeed her baby exclusively DOES NOT GET PREGNANT. but then again, Tini who still breastfeed her 1yo daughter (not exclusively tho) and hasn't had any period for almost two years now and get this, her due date for her 5th child is this saturday 27th. so yes, she said i should freak out and check again next week since the backpain is not planning to go away anythime soon.

so should i freak out? it's been 3 months since my last period, by now i should know kan kalau i am pregnant? betul x? and the 2nd line should be visible by now. so if you ask me, i am not freaking out cos i just don't feel pregnant. but i do feel heavier tho. maybe cos i use breastfeeding as an excuse to pig out whenever i see food *peace sign

sebenarnya, this post was meant to vent out my frustration of my work hence the name demotivated but somehow dah tersimpang jauh pulak -.-'

anyway, while we are at it, i am feeling so demotivated right now. setiap hari i force myself to wake up. i would tell myself oh i have reports to do, offer letter to issue, letters to distribute and so on. i don't know, somehow working is not as thrilling as it used to. back when i was still single, i was good at what i was doing. i know what i was doing but now i just don't feel the same passion anymore. should i blame motherhood? i want to take care of my own kids. i am yearning inside to quit my job and become a stay at home mom but lets face it, with this economy, maybe kena kerja sampai 60tahun.

i was telling zara the other day, maybe we should bukak a shop or maybe buat online shop ke. i mean, sekarang ni online shop tumbuh bak cendawan and it looks damn promising. tah la, maybe i merapu too much cos of the backpain.

ok itu je la, kbai